Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Hello Withdrawls

I think I might have spoken a bit soon with my last post when I said that Sydney wasn't having much withdrawals from her medication. These last few days have been CRAZY hard and I am in desperate need of help, advice and probably most of all, comfort. I have read that some of the withdrawal symptoms that Sydney might experience include headaches, numbness of limbs, and insomnia. Problem is, Sydney can't tell me when or if she is feeling any of these things. She never has been able to. Ever since she was a baby she has been impossible for me to read. It has always been a guessing game. Because of this, I have questioned and doubted myself as a mother many times. Honestly, I don't think this feeling changed until 9 months ago when Macey was born. She was so easy to read from day one, and she gave me reason again to feel like a competent nurturing mother. When she cries, I know what she needs, when shes in pain, I know it, I KNOW her. I feel like I am everything Macey needs, and it breaks my heart time and time again that I can't do that for my darling Sydney. I try and try to figure her out, but I just can't. I NEVER have been able to. It has been three years, will this ever change?

At the moment we are dealing with Sydney's sleep issues, as always. She has always had sleep problems (and I have always blamed her meds) but these last few days specifically, have been so much worse than ever before. Obviously we believe this is due to the weening of the meds. Lately Sydney just screams and screams when going to bed rather than her typical cry and whimper. She can't fall asleep on her own. In the middle of the night she is waking with more terrible screams (rather than her typical cries and moans). I struggle with her in the night to give her some pain medication as she spits it out and goes into hysterics. It is just awful and I am not sure what to do. I feel like I can't complain because she is off her meds and has not had a seizure! I should be, and am, so grateful! Sure these withdraws are horrible, but it could be so much worse. I struggle to remember this, because in the moment, it is just hard and I am SO tired. At 12:45, 2, 3, and/or 6 am, it is so hard to soothe a child who can't tell you whats wrong. One who screams at your very touch. We try not to go in Syds room to reinforce this waking up, but these last few nights with these horrible screams, I have given in and gone in to lay with my baby girl. Last night after a fight with the meds, and everything, she fell asleep in my arms while I rocked her like a baby. The only way I could calm her down was to pick up her entire body, hold her tight and rock like I do Macey. I just sobbed because it was all I knew how to do. I felt/feel defeated with it all. I felt/feel helpless. I then went back to my room at 1:45 or so only to lay there unable to sleep because of my frustration with my constant inability to help my child. So I researched. More. No matter what I read and research, nothing seems to help, and honestly, it makes me more discouraged. Every one is different, everyones meds are different, and so, there are NO answers. The very medicine that EVERYONE including her pediatrician recommends for sleep has so many cons to it, (especially with epileptic patients) that I just can't do it. I don't feel right about it (and I am so sick of people knowing this and continuing to hound me about it and get me to TRY it.) This is just what I need, the judgements of others when I myself am my worst critic. Don't you think I want to give it to my kid and get her to sleep? Of course I would love to take this easy way out but I DON'T feel good about it...and that has to count for something. Right?

Anyway, so here I am, frustrated and upset, typing alone in the dark while Cameron tries to get Sydney to calm down and stay in her bed. It is 11:30 and Syd's has been in her room since 8:45. We have given her Tylenol for pain, milk for comfort, hugs, rocks, words of encouragement, words of frustration, words of discipline. I believe Cameron gave in and went to lay with her for the first time in a long while because there is no more noise coming from her room and Cameron seems to have disappeared. I was unwilling to help because at this point, I can't take another failure. Not today. There comes a point when too much failure crushes your spirit.

I wish someone had answers. I wish I could just take the pain and frustration away from my little girl. I just wish I could help her and be the mother that she deserves and needs. I wish she could just feel comfortable and at ease within her body. I wish that I could just figure it out!


Lisa Cook said...

Sad, Britney! I'm sorry Sydney's little body is going through so much and that it's such a struggle for all of you. I think the hugs and rocking to sleep in the middle of the night are the things she will remember through it all--feeling loved and protected by her mama. Prayers for you!

Kristine Pratt said...

Brit I am so sorry that you guys are going through this! I know you said you are your worste critic and you definitely are! It is not your fault that you cannot read Sidney and it in way says your not a good mom. I look at all you are doing and researching and trying to figure out for your daughter and that's what says your a good mom!!! You guys are in my prayers. I think the most frustrating part is that there is no single answer or solution, so many variables. Like Lisa said, it's all the unconditional love you are giving her that will help balance out all the bad stuff she is going through....how long can withdrawals last???

Cameron said...

Brit, if you had a friend that was as hard on you as you are on you, you would never stop slapping her/him. I'm with you in all this, and we can suffer together. I'm fine with laying with her, because I think that in the absence of knowing what she is going through, the least we can do is throw out all the behavioral modification stuff and cuddle her. That feels like the right thing to do at this point, and then we can worry about re-training her after we know she isn't in physical distress. Love you, honey! Let's clean the house some more tonight after the kids go to bed. :)

Emma said...

Britney, I think you are doing the right things. Parenthood is a big mystery and the fact that you haven't thrown in the towel and keep trying is proof that you are doing a good job!