Monday, October 25, 2010

Sweet Lullaby

Dylan wanted to sing a quiet song to Macey tonight while I was rocking her to sleep. Here are some of his lyrics (this song never ended which made the lyrics pretty interesting):

-Sometimes its fun to sing to our sisters, only when they aren't being bad, but I am not very bad, but sometimes I am and mommy cries, but she's not sad, just really mad, so just don't be bad...grandmas make lots of warm sweaters that are really great...when mommy's car breaks everyone in the whole world can fix it because everyone in the whole world has a tool box...I love Apple Cream even when she eats my puzzles, but sometimes I don't want her to just eat my puzzles because then she might not feel good and then I want to throw my puzzle in the trash...mommy dances with me sometimes and then we fall down, but we don't get hurt and we keep dancing...

If I can remember more I will add it, but it was a ten minute song that I had to end when Syd came in crying. :( Maybe she shouldn't be so "bad".

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Apple of my Eye

Kids. You can't live with them, you can't live without them. Not 3 days after I posted last about Dylan and his ridiculous cuteness, and about lessons learned, did Dylan run himself into a picnic table resulting in an extraction of two teeth. 1. Dylan is still cute, in a more southern hick kind of way, and 2. he will never run again. The real lesson is learned. :)

Monday was Columbus day and so we decided to have a family day out. We went with another family to visit the Animal Safari which Dylan has been begging to do for months now. Within the first 30 minutes of being there, we decided to play a game of freeze tag while waiting for our van to arrive. 1 minute later, Dylan had face planted into the side of a picnic table leaving two teeth shoved up into his gums and two teeth knocked forward and down. Why you ask? He was running while looking behind him so not to be tagged. Wonderful. It was devastating, scary, and to say the least, painful. We immediately hopped back in the car for another hour drive back to Carrollton. We went to the ER to find out that the next morning we would be having Dr. Rubin, an oral surgeon, remove his teeth. Having two teeth removed, although horrible, was a much better prognosis than what it could have been. We were worried about a broken jaw, and permanent facial damage, none of which was a problem. Thank goodness for someone up above looking over our little boy. (Had he not turned his head that last second who knows what could have resulted, a broken neck, jaw, nose, had the potential to be so much worse)

It is moments like these that remind me of how very precious life is. All it takes is a second, for a life to be taken. A second, for a tragedy to occur. A second, for a life to be changed forever. It is SO scary, and it makes me wonder, who the heck am I to take care of another human being? I don't deserve this responsibility, nobody does. It is too precious. There are too many risks that come along with motherhood. I don't want to screw up my children, and I worry that I already have. What am I doing!? It is so stinking hard, but I am comforted with the fact that there is someone out there helping me every step of the way. I am not one to always talk about my religion openly, I find that it makes many uncomfortable, but I just have to say, I KNOW that someone up there is really looking out for me, and I am so glad that I have that faith and that knowledge. While driving home from the incident, my first thought was to say a little prayer with Dylan. I was at the brink of hysteria, D was in pain, and a prayer was the only thing I could think of to help. And guess what, it did. I quickly calmed down, we made it to the hospital, and by the time we got there, though the pain was not gone and Dylan still was unable to close his jaw, Dylan was happy and making grunting noises to be funny. What a blessing. Not 5 minutes after Dylan was brought back to have the Dr's look at him, did I leave to have my breakdown moment, outside, alone (on the phone with my sister). I held it together when needed, then I had my time to unleash my emotions. I am so grateful for that strength. Dylan was amazing through it all, and I knew I couldn't let him see my fear and pain, it just wouldn't be fair.

(I do just need to say a quick something about Cameron. He was amazing. He held it together the ENTIRE time; on the phone with his family driving to the hospital, in the ER, at home that night, all up until he saw Dylan in bed with his bloody rag hanging out of his mouth. That was his breakdown moment. When he lost it, I realized that he was human, he was and is a father. I hadn't seen this kind of emotion from him since Syds seizures in the hospital over two years ago, and I admit, I don't want to ever see it again. But, it was good for me to recognize the strength that he has for his family. He is amazing, and I am so lucky to have him!)

I hope that I never need to witness a thing like this again. It was so horrifying. My kids have been through so much, I just hope that these ER visits slow with age. They are both just so active, I just want to tell them, SLOW DOWN! STOP RUNNING! You think they would listen? Do you think I did? NOPE! I was the one 50 ft climbing polls as a 2 year old. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree now does it?

Here he is in pre-op. He was actually excited, and loved showing his "scary faces" to the Drs, and nurses before they removed his "crazy" teeth. He is ALL Mount and LOVES the attention.
Here's D bit drugged before they put him under. He couldn't stop giggling. I called a friend in our ward, Dr. Barry Barton, and asked if he could come and do Dylan's anesthesia. He was so great and changed his schedule around to be there so that we all could have peice of mine and so Dylan would have a familiar face in the OR. What a good guy! I love having friends in high places! :)
Post Op. Dylan's obviously still a bit numb in his face. He touched his nose and said while crying because of the tingliness, "my nose feels like it doesn't want to be there daddy."
Dylan is still as cute as ever, right? Whats a few teeth? I mean really, it will only be for another 3 yearsbefore his other ones come in. Oh well. I think I will just have to hold onto
Dylan a bit tighter and longer every night. I love him so much and can't imagine if anything worse happened to him.

I love you Big D, SLOW DOWN!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A lesson Learned

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about life. It is about twice a year I write about emotions behind my daily dealings with my kids, and family. I do it for myself to remind myself of why I do what I do, for my kids to look back and see their mother, and also for others, to be a voice to those who are going through the same things because lets face it, we all ARE struggling with many of the same issues. There is such a stigma about honesty when it comes to talking about problems in our lives. People don't want to air out their dirty laundry or let others see that their lives are not perfect, but why not? Judgment? Yes. Embarrassment? Especially yes. But if we are all experiencing it is some way or another, why can't we voice it so that we can help one another without feeling judged? We are all doing our best, but what we may think is best might not actually be, the best. BUT, and this is a big one, WHO CARES? Unless we are causing due harm to another individual, then let it go. Stop the judgment people!

Ok, so where to start. Life with three kids. Four letter for you. H. A. R. D. I always pictured myself with 4 kids, all nicely dressed, hair done, and out shopping at the mall and getting ice cream together. I have asked myself several times where that nice image came from because it is so far from any reality I have experienced. These days with three kids, I am lucky if I can get my kids shoes on let alone get their hair done. These days I deal with Dylan missing his bus because he doesn't want to wear the shoes that we laid out for him, missing church (sacrament) because of the mood swings that Sydney throws if she gets woken up, having a basket case of a husband because his job sucks leaving him more stressed than ever before (coming home to a crazy tired wife and three kids doesn't make that any easier), and when it is time to have a date night, all I want to do is sleep, since I feel ugly, fat, and tired all the time. Its so interesting that life gets so hard, and although it will seem like just a moment in time (20 years from now), it feels in the moment, like a nightmare that I cannot escape. Ok, I shouldn't go that far, because in reality, there are those moments, and days when I look at my family and cry because of how blessed I am. But the bipolar side of me often forgets about these days when the dog is flailing poopy diapers all over the house, Sydney is in one of her cranky nonstop crying moods, Dylan is trying to pour a gallon of milk into an 8oz cup, Macey ijust spit up over my just washed jeans, dinner needs to be made, the house is a wreck, and I am still in my pajamas at 5 pm. It is so sad isn't it that the one thing in our lives that bring us the most joy, also can bring us the most sorrow?

I have found myself saying this often about my husband (and to him). The number one reason why I married him, is usually the number one reason why I get so frustrated with him. It is so frustrating! When I was a teen and wrote out all of the qualities that I wanted for a husband, I wasn't told to look at the possible downsides to those qualities and asked if I could live with them. If I were, I think I would have left out...well we don't need to go there. :) I guess though that there has to be downsides to everything good, or else we would never learn anything from one another. And what good is life without learning? Which brings me to my next topic.

Learning, it is one of my favorite things to do, and one of my favorite things to see my children do. I don't know if you can say you are doing learning, but I am. Sorry. But seriously, there is no greater moment for me than when I see one of my kids learn and accomplish something that they have been working on. Right now, Dylan is trying to sound out words and spell them all on his own. He gets so frustrated, but as seen in the previous post, when he comes close to accomplishing this goal, there is no greater feeling for Dylan, or myself. It is incredible. Sydney is working on chewing. As dumb as it sounds, when I see that bite get chewed (and not just get gummed and stuck to the roof of her mouth) and swallowed, my insides well up with pride. She is getting it! Macey is learning again, to sleep through the night, (I especially like this and will be ecstatic when this is learned). These kids are learning things everyday, and in return, I am learning from them. I am learning how to survive and be nice on less than 5 hours a night of sleep, I am learning that clothing isn't important, and I would rather see ruined clothes from my child practicing chewing then not chewing at all, etc. We all learn and grow from one another. Could it be a more perfect plan?

No. So, this notion that learning really does bring greater happiness to each other and family, is great, but it's so hard. Is it worth it? We are told to learn all that we can here on this earth, to prepare for the next life. But why do I need to learn how to clean up a dog mess in the house? A tantrum about shoes? Is this really going to be necessary stuff? I know the Sunday School answers; it teaches us charity, service, patience, gratitude, and most of all, love. But really, come on, is it really that important? Yes! I feel that so many men miss out on learning these things from thier children because they aren't as present much as mothers are. Some have taken a different parenting role, some have stopped caring because they are too tired to pay attention to their kids after work, and some, are just selfish. I recently was talking to my big brother about this who brought up the priesthood in or church as a means to help men develop these qualities. He told me that while growing up a bishop told him, the reason why men have the priesthood, (and women in our church don't) is because it is a means for them to play the role similar to that of a mother, and learn the lessons that they don't have the opportunity to as women to develop. Interesting huh? I loved that!

I don't really know where I am going with this, but I guess what I want to say is, all of this crap that we go through as mothers and spouses, ARE tools in teaching us how to become better people. I know this is obvious to you all, but I just have to remind myself of this, often. I have started looking at my life like as a giant classroom full of tests, grades, cheerleaders, bullies, etc. Each facet of my life can, if I allow it, teach me something valuable. Just like in a classroom, I don't have the permission to do whatever I want without heavy consequences, I can choose to study or forget about the subject matter, and I can choose how I respond to certain individuals. Its all choice. Whether or not I enjoy the subject, it is my choice to push for that A and be in attendance.

With three children, a poor sleep schedule, and only two hands, I need to remember that I have to option to learn and grow. Patience, when the crying has persisted over an hour, service, when my kids will not go to sleep and I am tired and getting up 500 times to put them back in bed, gratitude when one thing in 20 that was asked got done, and love when there is nothing left for me to give and all I want to do is cry. I need to remember that every single word or movement from my child can teach me something valuable if only I allow it to. Most importantly, I need to remember that I DO, LOVE, learning. :)

Music Man

While I was tucking Dylan into bed last night, he threw his Curious George stuffed animal on the ground and asked to sleep with Sydney's Minnie Mouse. He then went on to say that he didn't like Geogre anymore because the dog put a hole in his ear. This sparked quite a conversation about loving things that are tattered, and seeing the beauty within..blah, blah blah. Obviously it had no effect of Dylan as he started crying, now feeling bad, saying that he just doesn't want to sleep with him because of his hole. So, naturally I felt bad, I brought him Minnie, and I went and fixed George immediately. I came in a few minutes later with George, a little scarred, and gave him to DD. Wow, the face on that kid was priceless. Happiest. Moment. Ever! He put both of his stuffed animals next to him on his pillow and proceeded to give them a good night kiss. He then turned to me and said, "Mommy, I just love you so much. Tomorrow I am going to write you a song". He then felt George's ear and said, "hey, its a little hard and different". I then found every scar on his body to explain that he has a scar just like George. I even had him feel the scar tissue I have in my ear from my upper ear piercing years ago. (He was so excited that I had something in common with his favorite monkey.)

Anyway, the story goes on. I tucked him in feeling pretty proud of myself, and went upstairs. About 30 minutes later he comes up and says, "now, mommy and daddy, do NOT go in the office tonight ok? I have something berry special to show you in the morning." Goodnight Dylan.

Ok. So 20 minutes later again he comes upstairs and said, "mommy I can't get in the office, but I remembered the song that I wanted to write". After a frustrated mom calmed down, I brought him to the office to finish his song/word. I couldn't see, but I peaked a little. I watched him as he talked aloud trying to sound out a word "shy....". After finishing his word, he puts down his pen, (thinking hes alone) and throws his hands in the air whispering, "YES!" . He then got up and walked to his bed to goto sleep. Goodnight Dylan, "goodnight mommy, I just love you so much".


After church today he runs to get his songs that he wrote and brings them to me standing tall and looking proud. He says, "mommy, I think I really spelled a real word". As he showed it to me he said, "look, I sounded out Turkey and really made (wrote) a real word". I was so proud. I then asked him where he learned to write music notes and he said, "I saw then at Heidi's house on her piano, and so I knew how to write music". "What are these other words that you spelled? "I don't know, I don't think they are real words, but I just used my imagination".
Dylan then sits at the piano and asks me to lead the music or, in his words, ("move your arm like this, like my teacher does in church") while he played. He began playing and was in a zone. He played all three songs, and on the last one said, "this is my loving song that I wrote for you, its the prettiest song, and it has a heart at the end that means I love you".

I have to say, this will be one of my all time favorite memories of my son. He blew me away on so many levels, I can't even begin to describe the emotions I felt/feel. How amazing it is to be a part of his development, and see what an incredible individual he is becoming. I couldn't be prouder, or weepier *sniff sniff*