Humbling emotions

Motherhood. It is truly amazing what this one word entails. Motherhood = love, protection, pain, hugs, excitement, nurturing, encouragement, selflessness, embarrassment, amazement, wonderment, fun, and the list goes on. I have recently experienced some things with my children that have really made me step back and understand that along with the great qualities of motherhood, come moments that can put one in a state of misery far greater than ever imagined. While I was crying to my Doctor recently saying that “ I feel as though I am failing as a mother”, he told me “as long as you love your child, you cannot fail, you do the best you can.” At the moment this came to me as great comfort, but in thinking about it throughout these last few days, I can’t help but think that is total BS said to make me feel better for my mistakes. What about my child suffering because of me? I can love my child more than anything and still not take care of them the right way. I can do my best and have my best not be good enough. I can hurt my child without even knowing it, and that thought, that knowledge, kills me and haunts me every day.

So the question is, why? Why do we do it? Why am I pregnant yet again? Why do we have children that are affected by our weaknesses, insecurities, lack of knowledge, etc. Is it for our own entertainment and need to nurture or feel a part of something bigger than ourselves? Why is it fair to them to take on the problems that we force onto them? Let me just state, I am not admitting for a second that I am somehow an unfit mother, I am just saying that if I, who can love my children more than anything in the world, can hurt them unconsciously, I do not deserve to have them. And this is the most humbling and hurtful thought I believe I have ever admitted to having.

I have made a few terrible mistakes with my kids, and I know that there are only more to come in the future. It scares me to death to think of what my decisions or lack of will do to my children. The only thought that I can I take comfort in, is the thought that my Heavenly Father is with me every step of the way and that if I remember to include him in my decisions, my kids will succeed and become the people that he would have them be.

I pray every day that my kids will one day forgive me of my shortcomings and know that everything I did was in love. That’s not to say that “love” is or was enough, maybe at least just a comfort that it was something. For my own sake however, I will pray always for ways to forgive myself. This motherhood thing is something unlike anything anyone can ever describe or prepare you for. And for that, I beg that I am forgiven for the mistakes that I make along the way.

I love you Sydney and Dylan more that you will ever conceivably know. You light up my world and make it brighter than ever imaginable. Please, NEVER forget that!