Monday, September 3, 2012


So I have come to accept that there are many things that are out of my hands as a mother; namley poop... literally and figuratively.  When I was in the delivery room holding my newborn baby, never once did I have any inclination of the relationship that I was about to have with poop.  Sure I thought I had prepared for the smelly diapers, but no, I was wrong. There is nothing that can prepare you for that smell of formula or breastfed babies.  I don't know what it is but it is just rancid.  Then comes the explosions of poop.  You hear about this happening, but you aren't ever really sure about it until it your lap and all over your hands as you go to pick up your two year old daughter from nursery...and there you have a poop soaked hand coming out from under her dress (as what happened to me last week in church).  I dealt with this for YEARS with my newborns, but come on people SHE IS OVER 2!

I used cloth diapers for a little over 3 years and recently packed them up due to my decision to distance myself away from this poop.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the cloth diapers.  Ok LOVE is a strong word, I liked and appreciated them.   They were great for their eco friendliness, their cost benefits, butt rash's, and their convenience (yes convenience), but I am done.  I thought that putting an end to cloth diapers was my moment of freedom. I was sorely wrong.

So for my poop stories of the month.  (I have had several of these though I can't remember if I ever wrote about them).  In admitting to these stories you can judge me (but I am sure that most likely you are NOT a parent of three children) or you can laugh and understand that some things are just outta my hands:

1.  So I go to this swimitary in town.  (Yes I said a swimitary since it is a water park located directly next to the cemetary (so close in fact you have to walk across the headstones of the deceased to get to the park on a busy day).  So back to the swimitary.  All kids under 3 are required to wear swim diapers.  If you have read my previous post (maybe 3 years ago) you will have read that even with the swim diaper on, the poop found an escape and everyone (yes everyone) was forced outta the park for cleaning...all because my childs swim diaper couldn't do its job.  So, here we are 3 years later.  My 4 and a half year old does not wear a swim diaper because she is and has been potty trained for about a year now.  (Note to soon to be mothers: this term "potty trained"  means nothing.  Kids can stay clean and dry for months till they get overwhelmed, tired, anxious (Dylan on the school bus) or in a pool, and their "trainededness" is gone.  GONE! They call this regression and it can happen at ANY time...for me it is almost always in public, and often in water (not really, but I am trying to be dramatic)

So back to the swimitary.  Here we are having a ball at the public pool.  The kids are going down the slides, and jumping in the water when all of a sudden I look over at Sydney and she is starting to cry.  "What is wrong Syd?" I see her look down.  "Oh no" I think, "this is not happening".  I quickly grab her before making a scene.  (If the lifeguards see any sign of poop the whistles will blow and everyone's day will be ruined, including my reputation (or what is left of it)).  I see something float to the surface and I grab it quickly (with my bare hand) whilst picking Sydney up and outta the pool all the while keeping my forearm over her bum so any other remnants will not be spotted or leaked into the pool.  I quietly try to wrangle my two year old outta the water and walk as fast as I can to the restroom.  Success I thought...I wasn't spotted.  Now for the fun part.  I still have a nugget in my hand and a load full of *%#* to deal with.  What do I do with this?  I will spare you the details but let me just say, I never imagined myself cleaning off a swim suit, and my pooh fingers in a public toilet basin (there was a long line and I couldn't let them spot me!  (Again you cant judge! If anyone in there had seen what I was cleaning up they would have shut down the pool immediately and I would have had to walk the walk of shame for the second time! And don't worry, nothing had excaped into the pool that doesnt escape out of a normal swim diaper (except the 1 nugget that I caught) but for the most part it was contained.) Ok you can judge but just put yourselves in my shoes...its a lose lose situation. GAH!

2. My 2 year old poops EVERYTIME she comes into contact with water.  EVERYTIME! Clearly since we are swimming nearly EVERYDAY during summer, poop is something that is always in the back of my mind.  I always have to wonder and be cautious of the poop spill.  FYI to you parents out there, swim diapers are only made to hold the nuggets, and they often don't do the best job in even doing that.  they were not made to keep in pee, or the water coming in and out of the diaper carrying the disintigtrated poop.  It is disgusting I know, which is why I am so actively aware of my child and her poop routine. I have to always be wondering  "Will the poop slip out of her diaper today?" The answer is almost always no, but occasionally, it will seep out and I have to be on guard.  This story took place at my friends community pool where about 20 people were at (laying out mostly).  About 20 minutes after being there, Dylan screams from across the pool (no joke), “Macey pooped in the pool!”.  Of course being utterly humiliated as faces turn to me I respond, “oh Dylan, she has a diaper on it is not poop” and I slowly get up and walk over (trying not to cause a bigger scene).  I of course see three little brown balls at the bottom of the pool, but as to not freak people out I say, “Dylan those are stains on the bottom of the pool, gimmie a break”.  I slowly walk back to make everyone around aware that it is a false alarm so they could go back to their conversations (including my friends).  About 3 minutes later I conveniently decide I am hot and need to get in the water.  I slowly swim over to where the identified poo is and I swim to the bottom ready to pick it up (once again with my bare hand).  To my complete relief, I picked up a nut.  And then two more!  I came up and threw them out of the water as to show the still freaked out patrons (namely my friend and an elderly couple sitting nearby) that they were in fact nuts.  I was so grateful and so relieved.
Now this story could have been worse, and I am glad that it wasn’t but if it had been…what do you do?  Really?  Do you tell everyone to get out?  Do you run away in embarrassment?  I don’t even know, but my son did learn his lesson that moment about NEVER yelling anything like that out loud again.  He saw the horror on my face and made a mental note.  Which takes me to my last story.

3.  Walmart. Of course it happens at Walmart! If I had been in any other store, admittedly, I would have felt a lot worse,  but after all it WAS only Walmart and things like this have to happen often (or so I tell myself).  So, I am going down the bandaid isle and I start to hear water spilling.  I was too focused to turn and look unitl Dylan came and whispered something into my ear.  I look over and yes, Dylan was right, Macey's diaper is leaking…worse than leaking, there is urine pouring out!  I swear she must have peed a gallon at that very moment because the diaper was nearly exploded and the puddle on the floor was unmistakable.  I quickly asked Dylan do stand around it and I put the shopping cart in such a way that people would no see it, but two workers walking by saw this all take place and stood in the corner laughing.  I was able to get one of them to help me get some paper towels and it was all taken care of.  The humiliation wasn’t there this time because Dylan had learned his lesson not to yell (thank goodness), but still,…what is wrong with my kids?  Is this normal?  I can't imagine that I am the only mother who experiences these crazy bowel movement I just the only mother crazy enough to take all of my children out in public at once?  Maybe that is the problem :) You would think that I would have learned by now how to handle and avoid these situations.  With one child it is so easy to be on top of everything, but 3?  I can't always be remembering the last time each and everyone of them went to the toilet.  Seriously. I know I agreed to raise these children and I do a pretty damn good job, but sometimes, especially while reading/writing this, I feel like an utter failure.  I am that family/mom that belongs on that site.  Horrible.  Seriously though, how do people manage 4 or 5 kids?  They must have volumes and volumes of poo stories like this right?  BTW did I ever tell you the story about the slides at McDonalds?  Wow, that was a doozy.

1 comment:

g-ma-ma said...

HA funny!! Is it a coincidence that the first such experience that comes to my mind involved Builder's Emporium? It just may be a genetic problem :)