I wonder sometimes if I want to remember to hard times. Do I want to journal them so that I can look back and remember the misery? I have decided the answer to this question is yes. I think that it is important to remember what you went through in order to get where you are. Right? With this said, I am just going to write. This isn't so much a post for people to read as it is for my own journaling purposes, so if you don't want to hear about sadness...then by all means don't read.
My last post was about how Sydney was sleeping once again. That lasted all but two days and then the hell began again. This seems to be the pattern although this time...the pattern changed, just a bit. I went crazy. The no sleep mixed with Syds screaming, mixed with the anxiety over my child, mixed with my husband not being home to help ended in a complete mental breakdown. I don't need to get into the details but I really went crazy to the point of well...it doesn't matter. Cameron was able to stay home to do the kids while I tried to get back on my feet. I have never had an episode like this where I just sort of lost it and was unable to function. My physical body along with my emotional sate of mind was completely compromised, and it left me with nothing to give. It was horrible. I understand now those women that have psychotic breaks and end up in jail for doing something horrible to their child. Nobody ever knows what another is going through, and how scary is that? There is nobody to help because you can't even help yourself. I am lucky that I had a husband who was here at night and could see how bad things were getting.
Cameron himself has not been doing well at all. He started a new job 6 months ago (so that he could see Dylan more sicne he was starting school) that has been nothing but awful since the day he started. He knew all of this going in, but he was determined to help turn it around and change the work environment. 6 months later, not much has changed except his spirit. He is drained, tired, overworked, under appreciated, and stressed out of his mind. Not only does he have to deal with this horrible job, he too has had to live with Syd's screaming and sleeping issues, be reminded by his son that he never sees him anymore, deal with his crazy insane wife, and take on more clients after his already 10 hour work day has finished. His life sucks right now. He never admitted to that until this week. It has just become too much to bear. To make matters worse, the stress that he feels is all over his face in a form of a peeling rash. He can't hide his stress at all, and he can't stop itching his face! Cameron doesn't complain much about his life, but at this point, he is almost throwing in the towel. Now that I am feeling better he admitted to me just today that "there is need to worry about him". He has never admitted this out loud before. He is drowning. Last night we both admitted that this has been the hardest month in either of our lives. Physically, and emotionally. We have been through a lot together and in our lives growing up, but this tops them all. Its unmanageable. It is impossible.
Last night as we were talking about everything, I thought it important to mention the positives that have come out of this month.
The first: Sydney has slept 3 days straight. Not only has she slept, but its been longer that a 5 hour spurt. In fact, it has been 8pm-8 am. Can you believe it!? This is her best sleeping spurt yet! She also has been falling asleep better at night...the screaming has gone down significantly! Along with this I feel that she is really progressing with her development. She is a hundred percent on her chewing...she can eat anything! She is talking more, her memory is getting better, and she is having less and less screaming episodes throughout the day. She isn't as on edge and moody (its amazing what sleep can do!). She really has been doing wonderfully (but I am fully aware that this could change...most likely tonight). For now though, it seems to me that her body is finally getting into a rhythm and that the meds are FINALLY leaving her body. I think I have found my SYDNEY! Now I know what to shoot for when she is having a hard time (I know that sounds lame, but for the longest time I just didn't know if it was her or the meds talking, now I know its her). This is all great news, but even if it wasn't going this well, Cameron and I both agree that we would give up a lot more of our sanity, and our lives, if it meant Sydney was seizure free. This month has been long, but it is a miracle that she really is seizure free. And really, the wheening process could have been a lot worse! (It could have been a lot better too, but it can ALWAYS be worse.)
The second: We both realized that this trial in our lives has made our relationship stronger rather than weaker. Often times when there is a lot of stress going on we pull from each other and deal with it in our own different ways. Often times we find blame in one another. But, with this, there hasn't been blame. There hasn't been anger at one another, just empathy, sympathy, sadness and love. We both are trying to find ways to help the other cope, and it is really sort of sweet. Worrying about Cameron has also helped me stop worrying about Sydney and myself. Its strange isn't it? We really are still in love with one another (after 11 years), and that is always wonderful to remember.
The third: Our kids are amazing! Even though neither of them can sleep all at the same time, they are all such great kids.
The fourth: I am losing weight. Only 4 lbs, but hey, when is that ever bad?
Anyway, I know complaining isn't real productive, but I just want to call it as I see it. As teenagers, we wait our whole lives thinking that adulthood is going to be nothing less than exciting. You can do whatever you want, make your own decisions, make good money, etc. I remember three years ago when we moved to Ga we just couldn't wait to be making "real" money. Soon after this Sydney began having seizures and it was, "we can't wait for two years to go by so that we can see if she outgrows her seizures. " Now that we are here it's, "we can't wait 6 months from now when we will be sleeping like normal people for the first time in 3 years." There is always something to look ahead to for hope, for sanity. I just hope that soon we won't need to look ahead. That we can find happiness right where we are. I think that that day will come soon...when Cameron finds a new job and Sydney's body decides that it needs sleep. Until then, keep us in your prayers!
