Spanking is the New Spanking

Update on our spanking/yelling

Spanking has been officially ruled out of our house. Since the quarter reward for yelling however, Dylan thinks he is going to get a dollar for spanks. I came upstairs yesterday to Dylan bending over, booty in the air, with a big smirk on his face.

Dylan: Mommy I just want you to spank me

Me: Why? (Realizing what he was wanting I jokingly said, "well, it's going to be a really hard spank then").

Dylan: Well, um, (lowering his booty just a bit, and whimpering a little bit), OK. You can still do it.

Me: Dylan don't worry, I am not going to spank you, we agreed not to do that anymore.

Dylan: Yeah I know, thats just how much I love money

On the yelling note, I am impressed with how much the quarter system has kept me in check. It's more about Dylan reminding me about the quarters that keeps me in check...its great. I raised my voice once yesterday (which really to me was not even close to a yell more of a stern voice) during a very frustrating dinner time. Without any hesitation, Dylan just laughed and said, "mommy you owe me a quarter." Ughh, it wasn't really a yell, but instantly my frustration was over as I got up to get his quarter. I sat back down and we all had a good laugh. Perfection. I think this is gonna work!

Spelling time!

Dylan loves reading and writing these days. He isn't great at it, but he is so interested in learning! I am so proud. Dylan came off the bus a couple of days ago with this card in his hand (a paper ripped out of his agenda), "Mommy, I made a card for Quinten in my class. He broke his leg and I just wanted to make him a card on the bus. Read it!"

" i Hop u FEl BEDR QUTEN"

Translation: "I hope you feel better Quinten"

He sounded it out and it made sense to me! He even wrote in the lines! He is coming along...I can't believe he will be in kindergarten next year. Wow, he is going to be six! Insane!

The New Cool

This last week I had the opportunity to go with Macey to yet another world robotics competition to support my bother in law Amir, my sister Emily, and their robotics team the "DPenquineers". Together, Emily and Amir have created and implemented an amazing robotics program at Dos Pueblos High School, my alum. It is an AMAZING program! It even landed Amir the McArthur "genius"award this year which was HUGE considering he was the first ever teacher to have won. Can you believe that!? It was $500,000 bucks, and a huge honor! I can't imagine what that would feel like to just be nominated let alone win. Unbelievable! Along with this incredible award, a book was written this year about Amir and this program that he and Emily created. The book is called The New Cool: A Visionary Teacher, His FIRST Robotics team, and the Ultimate Battle of Smarts. I loved it, and finished it in just a few days. The rights of the book have been bought by Disney and might possibly be made into a movie. Crazy huh!? I am related to a celebrity! HA! It was so fun seeing Amir get asked by these kids to sign their book...It was so cute!Anyway, it was a great week! DP didn't go all the way as I expected them to, but just like sports, one mistake can cost you big in the end. And it did. I have to say though, they had by far the BEST robot in the entire place. They so should have won it all. It was an incredible machine! I didn't get great pictures since I was with two kids for most of the week, but I was able to get a few.DP is the black one on the bottom right.

The Pit

Because Emily needed to be helping with the team, I came in order to help out with Aliya, my 20 month niece. We had so much fun exploring the city.

Here at the metro where we started and ended our days. I love city living and not having to deal with cars. Walking everywhere was SO NICE!Here we are at Forest Park at the St. Loius History Museum. They had an entire exhibit on the World fair of 1904. One of my all time Christmas movies (which isn't really even about Christmas) is Meet me in St. Loius. This very fair was a big focal point of the film, an a big part of the song that Judy Garland sang:

Meet me in St. Louis, Louis,

Meet me at the Fair

Don't tell me the lights are shining

Anyplace but there

We will dance the "Hoochie-Koochie"

I will be your "Tootsie-Wootsie"

If you will meet me in St. Louis, Louis,

Meet me at the Fair.

I couldn't stop singing it as I was walking through the exhibit. It was kinda funny, but the kids liked it. (I think!)

Here we are at the St. Loius zoo. It was awesome!

The bears.
Again, my pictures aren't great at all, but like I said, I kinda had my hands full. It was a great week, and I am so thankful and honored that my sister let me come and watch her little one. Aliya is SO cute, and so smart! I loved getting to know her better and I loved getting to be a part of something so incredible. Oh did I mention I saw Morgan Freeman?

Becomming a Better Parent

A few weeks ago Dylan and I were having a conversation about being better. Being a better brother, son , and mommy. I asked Dylan what he wanted to me to work on, or rather, what he thought I needed to work on. His answer will stay with me forever. "Mommy, I think you yell too much". Now the reason why this hit me so hard was that I remember saying this very thing to my own mother as a kid, to which she responded, "I do not yell very much, don't be ridiculous!". Maybe she didn't yell that much, but I sure do remember thinking she did. I hated that when she yelled all the time, or what seemed to me as all the time. And you know what, I responded nearly the same way to Dylan that my mother did to me "I do not yell that much do I?" Dylan responded with, "yes mommy, you do." Ouch!

Since this conversation, I have been really trying to make an effort to not raise my voice, no matter how chaotic things may be. (With three kids I fell like raising my voice is the only way to get them all to stop what they are doing and listen...but I obviously need a new method). I have been doing pretty well, but I read this article last night and decided to go ahead and try it. I told Dylan I would give him a quarter every time I yelled...it is a win win for both of us! So now he is really paying attention hoping that I yell, and I am more aware of what I will be losing if I do. In fact, I tried it out by yelling something funny just to test it, and sure enough he held out his hand for his payment. I hope this cures me! :)

Here is the article: I thought it was excellent!

Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Child for Feedback

BETH WEISSENBERGER

It's time we started a parenting revolution. I'm talking about how we communicate and conduct ourselves with our children. Most of us grew up in a culture where parents were put on a pedestal. In other words, they believed that they had the right to be a particular way because they were in charge: "I am your mother and you do what I say." As a corporate coach I tackle this issue in the workforce, as well. Just because you're the boss doesn't mean you have the right to be a jerk. The best way to become a great leader at home or work is to get off your pedestal and start owning your own crap. You will be amazed by how quickly your home environment can shift when you tackle who you are as a parent.

Why do we think that as parents, we can do whatever we want with our children?

When my daughter was about 6 and a half, I sat down with her and said, "I want be a great mommy. I know there are things about me that don't work. I'm sure there are things you don't like. What can I do to be a better mommy?" She didn't have to think about it. She knew exactly what I needed to fix. She asked if I would stop interrupting her and saying "no" before she finished speaking. I could say "no," but I needed to hear everything she had to say first. Then she asked if I would stop screaming at her and just use my words. I was allowed to be mad and tell her how I felt, but she didn't like to be screamed at. It reminded me of how I felt when my mother screamed at me. I would tune her out or curse her under my breath. It didn't work when my mom did it either. Why would it work with my daughter?

The first step toward changing your relationship with your child is to make the commitment to be a remarkable parent.

I heard everything my daughter said. I promised her that I would work on myself and stop doing those things. I told her that if I interrupted her again before she finished telling her story, I would pay her a dollar. I would also pay her a dollar if I lost my temper and screamed at her. From that day on, every time I interrupted or screamed at her, I paid her a dollar. That conversation changed our relationship. Now she knows that she can talk to me and let me know if something is bothering her. This doesn't mean I don't discipline my daughter; it just means I don't get to be a jerk.

How to get off your parental pedestal:

1) Interview your children.

Sit your children down and tell them you want to be a better parent. Ask them about your bad traits and what you need to do to be a better parent. Listen openly to what your children say. They are genius at it. They know what works and what doesn't. Don't get defensive or mad at them. They need to feel safe and that they won't get into trouble. Sometimes it helps if you first give them an example of one of your bad traits (e.g., "I know when I get angry I shut down and pull away").

2) Ask how the bad trait makes them feel.

After you've listened to what your children have to say, ask them how it makes them feel when you treat them that way. Trust me when I say that you will want to stop the bad trait immediately when you find out how your behavior is negatively impacting your children. Recently, a coach at my company interviewed her 12-year-old son about her parenting. He told her that whenever she was mean to him, he thought it meant she didn't love him. You don't want your crap to screw up your relationship with your children.

3) Choose what traits you're going to fix.

After you've spoken with your children, make a list of all your negative traits and the issues you need to fix. Choose three negative traits or behaviors that you want to change. Own those negative traits; become aware of them. Once you see them and know they exist, that's when you can truly take them down.

4) Implement a consequence system.

Sit with your children again and tell them what traits or behaviors you are going to tackle and stop doing. Come up with a consequence for each behavior. I always like the consequence of putting money in a jar (e.g., a dollar every time you break your promise), which your child can spend on something fun like pizza or a movie when the jar is full. Once you start implementing consequences, you will notice a shift in your relationship with your children almost immediately. They will respect you for being honest with them and owning your own crap.

I'm always taking on what isn't working in my life and continue to have ongoing conversations with my daughter about who I am as a parent.

When you get off your pedestal, you are taking responsibility for who you are as a person. It will make you feel happy and proud of yourself. You're also teaching your children that it's OK to have crap as long as you own it and try to fix it. This creates a deeper connection between you and your child. They will always know that you're working on yourself and trying to be a better person and parent.

Recently, I was at my brother-in-law's birthday party, and we went around the table all sharing what we liked about him. When it came to his 8-year-old daughter, she said that she liked how he always apologized whenever he did something wrong. It was a great moment. As parents we're not perfect. There's no reason to be on a pedestal and pretend that we are.

Really.

1. Dylan came home telling me that he got into trouble today at school in the play yard. His teacher took away his privilege to play in a certain area for a week. At home this would have ended in a screaming fit. I was curious to know how he handled it.

Me: Did you cry or throw a fit when that happened?
Dylan: No
Me: Really? Not even one single tear or a "dang it!"? Wow that is great, way to go Dylan! Why do you think you didn't cry at school but you do at home when you get into trouble?
Dylan: Well, because I just want Mrs. Shea to think that I am better than I am at home.

There it is folks!

2. My new favorite thing that Dylan does is say, "really?"to everything. He totally gets it from me. For example: Sydney pees in the potty and Macey quickly follows and pulls out the used toilet paper out of the water to which I respond, "really Macey?" Or this: the floor is just drying after being mopped and I walk in to find an upside down box or cheerios emptied, and spread across the floor. "Really?"

Me: Dylan you need to get dressed. Please go get your PJ's on.
Dylan: But I don't want to go downstairs.
Me: I'll time you. Hurry!
Dylan: (runs and comes all the way back upstairs ready to get dressed only to find that he grabbed two sets of pant instead of a shirt). Really? Ugh. (and he runs back downstairs)

or

Me: (Cooking velveeta noodles on the stove)

Dylan: (walks up, looks in the pan) Really mommy? Really?

Me: What?

Dylan: You just didn't save me any noodles to eat

3. Gender identification. Now some people totally disagree with how we raise our kids in this area. (Honestly, sometimes I think I disagree too. I don't know what I'm doin!) But, this is such a hard topic. Dylan has always loved wearing dresses. The second his cousins gave us hand me downs for Sydney, he was jumping for joy and wearing those princess dresses EVERYDAY. So, we let him have his fun, didn't make a big deal with it and allowed it. (Even letting him go out in public in a kitty costume for a halloween event.) We got scoffed at of course, but we didn't think it was doing any harm. He was just being a kid. After a while we decided to put all of the girlie dress up up in the attic so he wouldn't see it and be enticed by it. We thought that it would be better to just keep them out of site. and force him to play with more gender specific (male) things. It didn't work. Dylan has and will always find a way to find a dress, high heel shoes, hats, etc. He can find them anywhere, lets face it, he is in a family with three girls, its not so tough. So, recently Dylan is starting to come home and tell me that he hates being a boy. He told me that I am not allowed to have long hair unless he can. (I think we are growing it out...I wonder how long this will last). We have had conversation after conversation about why is it so amazing to be a boy, and what great things he can do, but he doesn't buy it. Not for a sec. Here is the latest conversation:

Dylan: (comes in wearing a princess dress)

Me: why don't we wear batman today and run around saving the world?

Dylan: Because I just want to be a girl

Me: Sweetie, its fine to play like a girls sometimes, but i want you to remember that God made you a boy. He wanted you to be a boy for a reason....(I go into all the reasons and blessings that come from being male... once again. I then continue on and talk about the differences in our bodies between males and females and how he gets to pee standing up...that is a biggie)

Dylan: well, I don't want to be a girl and have girl parts. I want to keep my penis. I just want to look like a girl on the outside even though I will always be a boy.

Wow. What does this mean? Should I prepare myself for the future? Everyone says that this phase is normal, but I am beginning to think they are full of crap. Who knows. Cameron and I are trying to find a balance. We are so torn between just letting him be, and leading him away from this kind of play. It becomes a crying battle if we don't let him wear a certain dress or necklace...and that just seems wrong doesn't it? I don't know what is right. I don't ever want my kid to be that gay drug addict guy on tv saying, "my parents just wouldn't accept me for me, they wouldn't let me express myself and so I turned to drugs..etc." But I also don't want him to be that kid that says, "I didn't know how hard my life would be when I made this choice to become a woman, of cross dress or what have you), why didn't my parents ever tell me?" HAve you ever seen anyone on TV for this? Maybe I am making that one up. Haha. But really, what is the right thing to do? I don't want him to ever think he is less loved because of his choices, or because of who he is. That it my number one BIGGEST fear of parenthood. He better always know I love him or I have failed miserably.

Anyway, I know this sounds lame, and Dylan is only 5, but really, you think about these things as parents. I worry every day of my life about how I may be screwing him up by doing or not doing certain things. Motherhood is SO hard! Can't we come out with an official guidebook as to what and what NOT to do? I am not talking motherhood for dummies people. I would like to put in a request that the next bible or textbook of of spiritual guidance be written directly from the all knowing and powerful to all mothers out there, (detailing of course, word for word the answers to every scenario ever existing). Really, it would make my life A LOT easier.

I'm going on a egg hunt...

It is that time of year again where thousands of eggs are dispersed within an itty bitty perimeter for the children to "hunt". When did the easter egg hunt lose its hunt? Hunting for eggs used to be so much fun. These days its more of a free for all race to the dogpile of candy filled eggs. Just another excuse to advertise a company, and get together for the sake of candy. It's lame. But whatever, the kids enjoy it and I guess that is all that matters. We save the real hunt for my house, Easter Sunday. And don't think that those eggs are hidden easily. I'm tough. I mean, the Easter bunny is tough. And while we are on the subject, what ever happened to hiding real eggs? I don't know anybody that hides real eggs anymore. They still sell the egg kits to decorate, yet everyone just throws the eggs out two days later. What is that about? Why and when did this holiday become all about the candy? I'm boycotting. This year, our home hunt will be all about the real eggs. You hear that Cameron? Those plastic candy filled eggs can be the precursor to Easter, but it's the real eggs that my kids will remember hunting for on Easter morning, in thier little easter bonnets or hats. Lets take it back to tradition. To low key. To the remembrance of the Ressurection of our Savior (because that is what eggs and bunnies represent to me). Whatever, holidays really make no sense. I just want to take it back to simple, to the point. Holidays can be spiritual and fun, but when it is all about the "stuff" it just kills it for me. I am working on finding the balance for me and the kids. Let me know if you figure it out.

We went to Tanner hospital's Easter egg hunt this year. The bunny was there which meant that Sydney was in GREAT spirits. She loves giant dressed up characters. (I so wish I could take her to Disneyland at this age, she would go gaga...soon.) The kids did their thing and ended up with a ridiculous amount of eggs (and candy). At least I don't have to go candy shopping for easter!

Let the parties begin!

Sydney was invited to her first of MANY princess parties. I am not sure who was more excited, Sydney, myself, or Dylan. It was so much fun, and I foresee at least a dozen more princess parties in my future. Let the fun begin! I love having little girlie girls (and boys).

Even little Tink decided to join us

Cameron was at work this day, so my friend told me to bring my other kids along. Dylan was so excited to be a princess, but we quickly gave him a sheild and had him be the Prince Charming of the party. He was happy and definitely a good sport about it all even shouting at the end of the party, "mom I didn't even have to go last at everything like you said!"

Don't think I am not stealing this castle idea for Syd's next party. Love it!

The Princesses on a horse in their little dresses!? Priceless!

I love being a mom on days like these! It is so much fun to see my kids light when they use their imaginations. It was so sweet, and magical!